Dano on Religion
-----------------------RELIGION----------------------------
i am one who is prone to thinking about many things. these thoughts come from no where, and usually go back there, injuring few along the way. well, of course, except for the brain damage i give myself - that is.
religion is a funny thing to contemplate. but then, i am a funny man doing the contemplating, so here goes.
once there was a black hole. god filled it with dirt and called it earth. it was still dark there, so he turned on a big flash light, giving it daylight. at night, he shuts the light off. well he added water to the dirt, which then made mud, and ruined his shoes, so he separated the dirt from the water, calling one part land, and the other part sea. now his shoes were clean again, but all this work made his feet too warm, so he changed into some sandals.
he decided to add some fish to the water, because later when His son would be in town speaking, people would be hungry and he would take 3 fishes and feed 5,000. he also put some animals about the land, because he knew whenever he would visit las vegas, he would want to see the rodeo and watch some bull riding. and then there is the whole food chain thing, and so he finished that work so everyone else could eat someone, or something and survive. well it wasn't long before golf came along, and and god needed a golfing partner, so he created man to have a golf pal to say things like, "i bet you i can get it closest to the pin" on all the par threes. they laughed and joked alot, and spent alot of time at the country club known as Eden.
when god was leaving one day, the man, who became known as adam, the first name in the new phone book, under the A's, said, "hey god, its one thing that you beat me every day in golf, but when you leave. it's quiet and lonesome here." god thought for a moment, looked across the street at the new mall going in, and with a glimmer in his eye, said, "you know, i think i have just the thing for you."
the next morning, when adam was watching the morning news and reading the paper, he smelled something funny in the air. he looked over the fig hedges and saw an amazing sight. someone who looked abit like him, but smelled sweet and fragrant, and didn't have broad shoulders, yet did have longer hair, and smaller feet, and dainty hands, and was humming a very unfamiliar tune. music wasn't really a part of this Eden yet. the beatles were still blokes playing off polk street gigs in liverpool. Eden was looking better and better to Adam. soon this person passed by adam, and he said, "hey what are you doing here?" she said, "see that mall over there? well, soon i will be lost in there, and spend all my days trying on various fig leaves. just for fun." adam was confused. but she looked good to him, and he thought, "whatever. malls. fig leaves. i can take it. she's hot!" adam said, "hey do you have a name?" she said, "nope." adam said, "well in the alphabet, we have vowels. i am Adam from the A's, E's come next, so why don't you be Eve from the E's?" Eve said, "thats perfect, because i will be in the mall until Eve, every day."
well, so life in Eden was smooth, carefree, and not too interesting. the mall never seemed to open. the woman was always humming some unfamiliar tune, and adam lost at golf every day to God.
one day, an alice cooper tour bus that had stopped in town for gas, left the door to the living quarters open, and while everyone was in the gas'n go buying snacks and soda, out of the bus came a snake. a big, long snake, in fact, no one really knew it was a snake, because it had feet. ironically, it was wearing snake skin cowboy boots. he was doubley camoflauged!
so he walks on over to Eve and says, hey, i am new here, anything fun to do in town? Eve said, "fun? what is fun?" and it hits the snake right there and then, "she is clueless," he thinks. "uh... hey Eve, ever seen one of these?" and he is holding up some fruit, that looked kinda like an apple/pear/plum all in one. Eve shook her head, "no i don't think so." the snake hissed, saying, "try it, you'll like it." Eve says, "hey wait, isn't that the forbidden fruit?" The snake hissed louder, "nothing is forbidden if you don't want it to be. besides it will make you see, know fun." So as you guessed, Eve, well, she ate the apple/pear/plum fruit.
about that time, adam happens along, on his way to play his afternoon round of golf with God. The snake, because he was in his snake skin boots wasn't visible to adam. Eve says, "hey adam, when is the mall gonna open?" adam said, "i don't know, seems like forever, doesn't it?" Eve said, "Oh hey, by the way, try some of this fruit, and if you like I will make a pie for dinner tonight out of it." Adam hesitated, but then thought about having pie. What is pie? Sounds yummy, and he had never had pie before, and it sounded so good. So he ate. "Eve!" he exclaimed, "you look great! before you only smelled great, but now for some reason YOU LOOK GREAT!" Eve said, "you know adam, i never noticed this before, but you are strong looking, muscular, and have a sexy chisled jaw. lets make out!"
all of a sudden, god appears. and he is fairly bent out of shape, because adam didn't show up for golf on time, and God asks, "adam? what are you doing?" adam, now drooling over Eve said, "sorry about the golf, but get a load of Eve!" the snake steps out and shows himself. god says, "hey snake, what have you done?" the snake said, "oh you know, alittle of this, a little of that." god is clearly ticked and says, "ok snake, you're losing the boots! slither and slide from now on pal, you just lost me my golf partner, and i am very unhappy. live on your belly now, snake, and GET LOST!" the snake was bootless, footless, and slithered back to the alice cooper bus. When alice cooper sees the snake, he said, "hey wheres my snake skin boots? And get up off the floor! ok, snake, from now on you will work as a prop in the show!"
as God is still ticked, adam says, "what? no more golf?" god says, "no sorry adam, no, that you can see Eve is naked, its going to ruin everything. you will want to make out all the time and be late for golf, so, well. i am gonna have to send you two on your way. no more eden."
adam puts his arm around Eve, as they walk out of the place known as Eden, and says, "don't worry, honey. the mall will open soon, and i hear there will be a store there called victorias secret, and you can cover up in something lacey, sexy, and semi decent." Eve was grinning about the prospects. but she had heard nothing about victoria secrets, but had heard about nordstroms, and that was enticing!
as they left, Adam and Eve turned to eden for one last look. god was sad looking, but knew this was better for everyone. adam asked, "so, this is really it, huh, god?" god said, "yes, but don't worry in 9 mos + 13 years you will have your first teenager, and you will start praying, and we'll get to know each other again." Adam looked at Eve, and she at him, and he said, "what the heck is a teenager?" Eve said, "well, i don't know, but it can't be all that bad, because God said we will find him again. I mean how hard can it be? what do you think, a teenager will kill someone?" they both chuckled, and walked off to the mall, which was now open.
well, the snake still doesn't have legs, he is still doing alice cooper reunion shows. the mall is still open. in fact, there are malls everywhere. cane killed able. apples, pears, and plums are now all separate fruits. teenagers make us all find religion. and golf is still a rotten, silly, ruthless game.
centuries of confusion have come and gone, but one thing is clear, well maybe two things. (1) adam had no clue what he got us all in to, oh yes, we can blame it on Eve, but really, its not a bad life knowing how sweet things can be, and sweeter still from how bitter and sour so many things can also be. but we see their differences at least, and have a clue when life is good. - and- (2) eve still looks great after a couple hundred bucks spent in victoria secrets, doesn't she?
i don't know what color the smoke at the vatican is, but i do know that if any of the above "dano" dissertation on religion is false or misleading, well, you can blame me for sure, just remember insanity is a real plea! DDD
i am one who is prone to thinking about many things. these thoughts come from no where, and usually go back there, injuring few along the way. well, of course, except for the brain damage i give myself - that is.
religion is a funny thing to contemplate. but then, i am a funny man doing the contemplating, so here goes.
once there was a black hole. god filled it with dirt and called it earth. it was still dark there, so he turned on a big flash light, giving it daylight. at night, he shuts the light off. well he added water to the dirt, which then made mud, and ruined his shoes, so he separated the dirt from the water, calling one part land, and the other part sea. now his shoes were clean again, but all this work made his feet too warm, so he changed into some sandals.
he decided to add some fish to the water, because later when His son would be in town speaking, people would be hungry and he would take 3 fishes and feed 5,000. he also put some animals about the land, because he knew whenever he would visit las vegas, he would want to see the rodeo and watch some bull riding. and then there is the whole food chain thing, and so he finished that work so everyone else could eat someone, or something and survive. well it wasn't long before golf came along, and and god needed a golfing partner, so he created man to have a golf pal to say things like, "i bet you i can get it closest to the pin" on all the par threes. they laughed and joked alot, and spent alot of time at the country club known as Eden.
when god was leaving one day, the man, who became known as adam, the first name in the new phone book, under the A's, said, "hey god, its one thing that you beat me every day in golf, but when you leave. it's quiet and lonesome here." god thought for a moment, looked across the street at the new mall going in, and with a glimmer in his eye, said, "you know, i think i have just the thing for you."
the next morning, when adam was watching the morning news and reading the paper, he smelled something funny in the air. he looked over the fig hedges and saw an amazing sight. someone who looked abit like him, but smelled sweet and fragrant, and didn't have broad shoulders, yet did have longer hair, and smaller feet, and dainty hands, and was humming a very unfamiliar tune. music wasn't really a part of this Eden yet. the beatles were still blokes playing off polk street gigs in liverpool. Eden was looking better and better to Adam. soon this person passed by adam, and he said, "hey what are you doing here?" she said, "see that mall over there? well, soon i will be lost in there, and spend all my days trying on various fig leaves. just for fun." adam was confused. but she looked good to him, and he thought, "whatever. malls. fig leaves. i can take it. she's hot!" adam said, "hey do you have a name?" she said, "nope." adam said, "well in the alphabet, we have vowels. i am Adam from the A's, E's come next, so why don't you be Eve from the E's?" Eve said, "thats perfect, because i will be in the mall until Eve, every day."
well, so life in Eden was smooth, carefree, and not too interesting. the mall never seemed to open. the woman was always humming some unfamiliar tune, and adam lost at golf every day to God.
one day, an alice cooper tour bus that had stopped in town for gas, left the door to the living quarters open, and while everyone was in the gas'n go buying snacks and soda, out of the bus came a snake. a big, long snake, in fact, no one really knew it was a snake, because it had feet. ironically, it was wearing snake skin cowboy boots. he was doubley camoflauged!
so he walks on over to Eve and says, hey, i am new here, anything fun to do in town? Eve said, "fun? what is fun?" and it hits the snake right there and then, "she is clueless," he thinks. "uh... hey Eve, ever seen one of these?" and he is holding up some fruit, that looked kinda like an apple/pear/plum all in one. Eve shook her head, "no i don't think so." the snake hissed, saying, "try it, you'll like it." Eve says, "hey wait, isn't that the forbidden fruit?" The snake hissed louder, "nothing is forbidden if you don't want it to be. besides it will make you see, know fun." So as you guessed, Eve, well, she ate the apple/pear/plum fruit.
about that time, adam happens along, on his way to play his afternoon round of golf with God. The snake, because he was in his snake skin boots wasn't visible to adam. Eve says, "hey adam, when is the mall gonna open?" adam said, "i don't know, seems like forever, doesn't it?" Eve said, "Oh hey, by the way, try some of this fruit, and if you like I will make a pie for dinner tonight out of it." Adam hesitated, but then thought about having pie. What is pie? Sounds yummy, and he had never had pie before, and it sounded so good. So he ate. "Eve!" he exclaimed, "you look great! before you only smelled great, but now for some reason YOU LOOK GREAT!" Eve said, "you know adam, i never noticed this before, but you are strong looking, muscular, and have a sexy chisled jaw. lets make out!"
all of a sudden, god appears. and he is fairly bent out of shape, because adam didn't show up for golf on time, and God asks, "adam? what are you doing?" adam, now drooling over Eve said, "sorry about the golf, but get a load of Eve!" the snake steps out and shows himself. god says, "hey snake, what have you done?" the snake said, "oh you know, alittle of this, a little of that." god is clearly ticked and says, "ok snake, you're losing the boots! slither and slide from now on pal, you just lost me my golf partner, and i am very unhappy. live on your belly now, snake, and GET LOST!" the snake was bootless, footless, and slithered back to the alice cooper bus. When alice cooper sees the snake, he said, "hey wheres my snake skin boots? And get up off the floor! ok, snake, from now on you will work as a prop in the show!"
as God is still ticked, adam says, "what? no more golf?" god says, "no sorry adam, no, that you can see Eve is naked, its going to ruin everything. you will want to make out all the time and be late for golf, so, well. i am gonna have to send you two on your way. no more eden."
adam puts his arm around Eve, as they walk out of the place known as Eden, and says, "don't worry, honey. the mall will open soon, and i hear there will be a store there called victorias secret, and you can cover up in something lacey, sexy, and semi decent." Eve was grinning about the prospects. but she had heard nothing about victoria secrets, but had heard about nordstroms, and that was enticing!
as they left, Adam and Eve turned to eden for one last look. god was sad looking, but knew this was better for everyone. adam asked, "so, this is really it, huh, god?" god said, "yes, but don't worry in 9 mos + 13 years you will have your first teenager, and you will start praying, and we'll get to know each other again." Adam looked at Eve, and she at him, and he said, "what the heck is a teenager?" Eve said, "well, i don't know, but it can't be all that bad, because God said we will find him again. I mean how hard can it be? what do you think, a teenager will kill someone?" they both chuckled, and walked off to the mall, which was now open.
well, the snake still doesn't have legs, he is still doing alice cooper reunion shows. the mall is still open. in fact, there are malls everywhere. cane killed able. apples, pears, and plums are now all separate fruits. teenagers make us all find religion. and golf is still a rotten, silly, ruthless game.
centuries of confusion have come and gone, but one thing is clear, well maybe two things. (1) adam had no clue what he got us all in to, oh yes, we can blame it on Eve, but really, its not a bad life knowing how sweet things can be, and sweeter still from how bitter and sour so many things can also be. but we see their differences at least, and have a clue when life is good. - and- (2) eve still looks great after a couple hundred bucks spent in victoria secrets, doesn't she?
i don't know what color the smoke at the vatican is, but i do know that if any of the above "dano" dissertation on religion is false or misleading, well, you can blame me for sure, just remember insanity is a real plea! DDD
posted by bigdogdano @ 10:06 AM
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